Maybe not, after all.

I may not be going to Surrey, after all. It 's not about the "fan fiction" debacle; finances are the culprit this time.

When I made the decision to go, I thought we had the money. We had some saved and I looked at it as an investment towards finishing and selling my book. But now a new financial obligation has popped up, and to go to Surrey would just put us further behind. We've been working so hard to dig out of the debt we got into when we were just married, still in college, and poor.

I could still go. We'd pay it off eventually. But I just hate to do that and know we're edging back towards carrying balances on our credit cards and not saving for the future. It doesn't seem responsible.

And to be perfectly honest, I'm nowhere near as ready to be away from the baby as I thought I would be by this point. Maybe it's been my long hours and late nights for the day job resulting in barely seeing him before bed several times a week lately. Maybe it's because I'm still nursing him. Maybe it's the way he's so clingy with me when I am around. Maybe it's because he's almost crawling and I'd hate to miss it.

Of course, the little brouhaha over my ill-fated chapbook entry did take away some of my enthusiasm for going. But as I've said before, the majority of the people I was looking forward to seeing there had nothing to do with it, and I would still have lots of fun and learn a lot.

Just everything combined has been weighing on my mind for the past few weeks, and I'm not nearly as psyched about it as I was. I don't want to go and then feel guilty the whole time about not being with the baby and how much it's costing.

If I back out at this point, we're still out money. The plane tickets and 30% of the registration fee are nonrefundable. However, I'd still be saving twice that amount in hotel costs, the other 70% of registration, and other food/transportation/souvenir expenses.

OTOH, I'll also be letting down the person I'd arranged to room with, and the volunteer coordinator who just sent out the finalized schedules. I'm not signed up for a lot of duties, but still she was counting on me being there.

So I don't know. There's another writing workshop, hosted by the OVRWA on November 11th. It's closer to home and a whole heck of a lot cheaper.

I have to make my decision by tomorrow, or none of my registration is refundable and then it becomes a moot point.