Well, I did it.
I actually spent most of last night revamping the entire first 500 words of OHN (it had to happen sometime). But then I looked over some of the other entries and realized the ones that held my attention had treated it not as a "first 500 words" contest but an actual "first page" contest and broken off their story at a moment of high(er) tension instead of just running to the end of their tether. I checked those wordcounts and they were closer to 300.
So I went with my gut (and something similar to Christy's suggestion) and cut my own off after about 300 words at a good breaking point. (From there she's just going outside and observing the setting until she runs into Old Teresa, which is an interesting exchange but doesn't have a good break until around the 700-word mark.)
Here it is, FWIW:
From One Highland Night (c) 2007
Today was supposed to be her wedding day.
Elizabeth Martin should have been standing in a little church back home in Kentucky, surrounded by friends and family. Instead she stood in the lobby of the Loch Awe hotel, a massive granite structure in the Baronial style nestled quaintly in the Scottish highlands. The person looking back at her was not her husband-to-be but an overly perky desk clerk who apparently didn't know the difference between polite chatter and prying.
If I am forced to answer one more personal question from a nosy Scot—especially that question—I will find the nearest haggis and cram it down their throat. Sideways.
Outwardly, she forced a smile and accepted the brochure the clerk handed across the counter. "No, I don't have 'a fine braw laddie' to go out on the loch with. I'm by myself."
She was not going to cry.
The clerk shook her head, setting short, tight black curls to bouncing, and clucked her tongue. "Ah, now that's a shame. Pretty lass like yourself with your great dark eyes... Did ye no' go and pick some St. John's wort last night?"
Her incomprehension must have shown on her face, for the plump-cheeked young woman leaned forward over the counter and whispered conspiratorially.
They say it will tell if you're to be married in the comin' year—if the flowers dinna wilt. It's best to do it on Midsummer's Eve, ye ken. But I'm sure it'd still work if ye tried tonight."
"Thanks, I'll keep an eye out for some," she lied as she turned to go.
Married this year? Not likely. She didn't need folk tales to tell her that was not going to happen. Doug had done so quite effectively three months ago, when she caught him making out with her best friend.
She was absolutely not going to cry.
----
*Interesting side note: I was actually really getting into revamping this thing. It gives me hope and renewed encouragement to get into rewrites (first round of many, no doubt) soon.
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6 comments:
First, nice looking blog!
Second, did you know it was me who won the "Spymaster" book? Woot! Hot guy on the cover!
Third, my crits are in brackets:
Today was supposed to be her wedding day. ("was" - passive voice! get rid of it! plus, telling, not showing, and this a an all-too-common way to open these romance novels which is why you need to show me a jilted bride character unlike any I've seen before)
Elizabeth Martin should have been (very passive voice, and telling) standing in a little church back home in Kentucky, surrounded by friends and family (very boring - what I wanna know is - how does this make her feel because that will tell me volumes about her character). Instead she stood in the lobby of the Loch Awe hotel, a massive granite structure in the Baronial style nestled quaintly in the Scottish highlands (ok, you need to set the scene, but this a boring and unemotional way to do it - if this is where she was supposed to get married - then place has emotional resonence - if not then she has feelings about not being in the place where she was supposed to get married) The person looking back at her was not her husband-to-be but an overly perky desk clerk who apparently (no abverbs!) didn't know the difference between polite chatter and prying.
If I am forced to answer one more personal question from a nosy Scot—especially that question—I will find the nearest haggis and cram it down their throat. Sideways.
(finally! some "voice" and more important - emotion - your story stats here)
Outwardly, (adverbs!) she forced a smile and accepted the brochure the clerk handed across the counter. "No, I don't have 'a fine braw laddie' to go out on the loch with. I'm by myself."
(This line is good too - get to it sooner than here)
Ok, that's are far as I'd have read in the contest - noting your opener had some good things but had too many writing no-no's, especially in those all important first lines. Most of the entries were passed over due to passive voice, telling not showing, and no emotion.
I hope this helps. Glad to see you helped support Patry yesterday.
Good luck with the contest, Jenny!!!!
Strictly speaking, neither "Today was supposed to be her wedding day" nor "[She] should have been standing..." are in the passive voice.
"Supposed to be" is an auxiliary clause modifying "was." The basic sentence is "Today was her wedding day." The verb "was," here is just a simple past tense of "to be," which doesn't have a passive-voice form at all.
"Should have been standing" is also active. Technically speaking, it's a subjunctive, in the future perfect progressive tense. If we were to change the verb form to a simple past, it would be "Elizabeth was standing," which is clearly active. In order to be passive, the subject (Elizabeth) would have to be receiving the action of the verb, which is not the case here. If it were, the sentence would read something like, "Elizabeth should have been stood," which would certainly need to be chucked, because it's awkward as hell. As the sentence stands, though, it is active.
For myself, I don't see what's so wrong about a well-placed passive verb, anyway. Granted, one should do most of one's writing in the active voice, but an occasional passive can be used to great effect. Rather like the occasional sentence fragment.
As for the adverbs, I agree that "outwardly" could go - the phrase "forced a smile" by itself suggests a distinction between her facial expression and what she's thinking/feeling - but I don't see why "apparently" is a problem. Maybe it's because I write more academic stuff than fiction, but well-placed and carefully chosen adverbs are fine, in my opinion, so long as one doesn't use them excessively.
Yay Jenny! I was agonizing over this all day too, and finally submitted mine. I really like the effect of the "she was not going to cry" line. As well as the haggis of course :-)
Josephine - Thanks for stopping by! And woot for TSL: beefcake cover and AWESOME book! I will definitely take your comments into consideration; you made several good points that already inspired a partial rewrite.
Precie - Thanks!!!
Shaylin - Wow, you know more technical grammar terms than I do. *g* I appreciate the input. (I _was_ wondering how else one would write a few of those if they were indeed passive and in need of elimination.) Then again, as you said (and same true of myself) academic writing is more tolerant of this kind of stuff.
Deniz - Thanks, and good luck to you (and TFOAL) too! I'd love to see a Forumite in the finals.
Hi Jenny!
I like your protagonist, for what that's worth, and I'd keep reading.
I was also thinking to myself, since it's a contest, about how I would eliminate the adverbs and the passive verbs - I think maybe the whole section might need to be more about action and emotion, as opposed to remembering. She could still be checking in, just, I dunno, lugging a suitcase? Getting rained on? Stopping to admire the scenery?
Whadevah. You'll figure it out. Good luck!
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